


the longing for (im)possible things

by IronSwordStarShield (SweetFanfics)



Series: 616 Stony Bingo 2019 [7]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecure Steve, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, also if marvel writers dont take canon seriously then neither am i, kinda cupid thor, sometimes you gotta look canon in the eye and tell it FUCK YOU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 18:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20532263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/IronSwordStarShield
Summary: “You have already given a few weeks. I fear if you give him any more time, he shall be lost to you for good. Surely that isn’t what you want Steve?”Misery pulls his shoulders down. “No,” Steve admits to the bar. He doesn’t want that at all.--tldr: Feelings are hard for Steve + Thor convinces Steve to tell Tony the truth about how he feels + Steve realizes he's been in denial about his feelings towards Tony for like,ever.





	the longing for (im)possible things

**Author's Note:**

> a. It’s my story and I can completely twist canon to suit my idea if I want to  
b. this is inspired by taking this panel from the v8 run completely out of context:  
  
c. thanks to this tweet for b: https://twitter.com/shcrlockhouse/status/1169107427687456768  
d. that's another prompt from my 616 stony card: pining!  
  
e. shout out to ishipallthings, this one's for you jen!

> _ “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”  
―  _ ** Edna St. Vincent Millay **

People who call Tony or Steve stubborn don’t know Thor at all because once he makes up his mind, he’s the most relentless person in all the seven realms. Steve’s evidence? The situation he’s in right now. Someone's gone and told Thor that him and Tony've been avoiding each other. Thor'd gotten it in his head to "mend the friendship between brothers," tracked Steve down, and made him spill the beans. _All _the beans.

Steve does his level best to hide inside his beer to avoid Thor’s stern gaze but no dice. Thor just repeats himself, more firmly this time. “Call him. It is time.”

Wincing as he realizes that he’s finished his beer and he can’t hide in it, Steve pushes the now empty glass away. There’s some foam left clinging to the inside of the glass. How silly would he look if he tries to avoid answering Thor by trying to drink what’s left of the head?  _ Extremely silly,  _ his brain provides before he hedges, “He only just woke up from a coma. Maybe we should give him a few more weeks.” 

Thor shoots him an unamused look that says  _ I know what you are doing and I will not allow you to run away from this _ . Damn the man. Steve wishes he hadn’t told him the real reason why him and Tony haven’t been talking recently.  “You have already given a few weeks. I fear if you give him any more time, he shall be lost to you for good. Surely that isn’t what you want Steve?”

Misery pulls his shoulders down. “No,” Steve admits to the bar. He doesn’t want that at all. 

Tears prickle his eyes as he remembers the last time he saw Tony, laughing as Rhodey presented him with a card declaring, “Happy rebirthday!” The sparkle in Tony’s eyes that night could have put the world’s finest sapphires to shame. “Happy” has always been Tony’s best look and that night? Tony had looked radiant, back to life and better than every before. Steve wishes he could blame the alcohol he’d consumed for what had happened later that night but...

But...

The truth of the matter is ... he doesn’t know  _ why  _ he’d kissed Tony. He just... he remembers how nice it’d felt, standing so close to Tony on the balcony, the sounds of revelry muted through the closed doors. He remembers how his stomach had melted when Tony had teasingly ran his fingers up Steve’s ticklish side in retaliation and next thing he’d realized, Steve’d trapped Tony against a wall. And then... the world had paused. For a few seconds, the universe revolved around Tony’s strained breathing, his dark pupils, and the soft parting of his lips. 

Steve remembers how long the moment had felt, their eyes locked on each other, waiting. He closes his eyes, wondering for the nth time  _ what  _ had made him close his eyes and bridge the gap between them? He doesn’t know. He  _ still  _ doesn’t know! It’s like something had guided him forward until their lips had pressed together. And it had felt so  _ right _ , kissing Tony. The tentative touch answered an unknown question in him as much as it set his body aflame. 

He shivers remembering everything that had followed. The giddiness of sneaking through the corridors while avoiding everyone. The joy when Tony had reeled Steve in after cupping the back of his head. The awe when Tony had curled his legs around Steve’s hips and pulled him forward. The overload of sensation when he’d sunk into Tony... his tight heat, the breathless pants, the sweat sheen that prevented Steve from holding onto Tony’s hips...

And then there was the bad as well. The  _ terror  _ that had overwhelmed him the next morning, making him run out on a sleeping Tony like the bats of hell were after his ass. And there was the  _ other  _ terror that’d hit him with all the grace of a chair to the face whenever Tony’d tried to call him afterwards. Steve’s hard pressed to explain why he’d avoided Tony outside of, “I was scared.”

Scared of what though? He couldn’t tell you in that first week. But now that he’s had some time to think about it? To come to terms with his feelings? The tidal wave of all his repressed emotions coming out? It’d been too much. There’s been a lifetime of moments where Steve’d forced himself not to think too deeply about why he cared so much about Tony’s reactions and opinions. He’s  _ made himself not think about it.  _

And then he’d gone and ...  _ done that _ .

So many people have joked that Steve’s emotional range is limited when it comes to romance. That he’s sooner to run away from what he feels than coming to terms with it. But this is... this is something next level - denying his feelings for Tony for about ten straight years (get it? Straight years? Fuck, someone save him, he’s making shitty puns now.) It’s honestly a new low on a number of different levels.

So, no. He doesn’t want Tony out of his life. He’s tried that and he’d  _ hated  _ it. It’d felt like he’d lost a limb. And now that the cat’s out of the bag, Steve can’t live in denial either. But Tony would never go for him. He’s pretty much guaranteed that by acting like a jerk.

But.. but if he could apologize... that would be nice. Maybe he can salvage their friendship... 

Looking back up at Thor, Steve says, “But I don’t know what to say to him. Hey, I know I’ve been avoiding you since we slept together at that ‘Welcome home’ party we threw for you but after five weeks I’d like to talk?”

It sounds ridiculous when he says it out loud. But apparently it’s not ridiculous enough for Thor, who nudges him and says, “Yes. Exactly like that.”

Fuck. What’s he got to lose at this point? If he doesn’t do anything, he’s going to wind up losing Tony as a friend anyways. And can’t it be argued that he lost Tony the second he chose to sneak out of bed in the dead of night because he had an anxiety attack about sleeping with his (ex?) best friend? And then again when he ignored  _ all  _ of Tony’s calls the next week?

Steve digs his phone out his jacket pocket, grumbling, “If things go side-ways, I’m blaming you.”

“ _ When  _ you two make up, I expect full credit for your successful union.”

His phone unlocks with a quiet snap. Or that just might be something in his brain breaking. He shoots Thor a weary glare. “Don’t call it that.”

It’s Thor’s turn to ignore him in favor of the alcohol. Sighing tiredly, Steve pulls up Tony’s contact. He stares at the number for a long few seconds, bracing himself before his thumb taps the green button. 

The dial tone drolls in his ear, jacking up his anxiety the longer it goes on. Steve counts  _ six  _ rings before Tony finally picks up. Good timing because Steve’s legendary nerves were about to quit on him.

“Hey Tony,” Steve exhales, cringing immediately at how breathless he sounds. 

There’s silence on the other end for half a second before Tony asks, tone heavy with disbelief. “Steve?” 

“Yeah. It’s Steve.” 

“And the mighty Thor,” Thor chimes in.

Steve shoots him an angry look, gesturing  _ what do you think you’re doing? I got this handled!  _ with his free hand. Thor grins broadly at him before popping the olive off the toothpick and chews on it. This is the  _ worst  _ idea Steve’s ever been pushed into doing. 

“Hello to you too Thor,” Tony answers right as Steve gulps and says, “I think it’s time we talked.”

The silence this time is awkward and  _ chilly _ . Steve shoots Thor a nervous look, fingers itching to tap an anxious rhythm against the bar but he stops himself, clenching his hand into a fist instead as he waits. He’s flashing back to those painful few seconds after he’d given into the tipsy giddiness that’d taken over him and he’d kissed Tony at the tail end of his party. At least back then, he’d been face-to-face with Tony, and he’d been able to see Tony’s reaction; he hadn’t been left hanging.

“Is this about...” Tony hesitates, tone shifting into something uncertain when he finishes, “ _ that _ ?”

Steve’s soul winces in response. Tony sounds so...like he’d given up hope and Steve’s the last person he expected to call. He can’t blame Tony for thinking that when he’s done everything he can to not-so-subtly run away from Tony (and his feelings. But then Thor had waltzed in and dragged the story out of him and here he is, in a bar, calling Tony in the hopes that he’ll come down here so that he can confess his feelings to the man without jumping out of a window.)

“Right. About  _ that _ ,” Steve admits before he scrubs a tired hand over his face. He’s making a mess of this already isn’t he? See, this is why he’s not onboard with Thor’s whole plan. It doesn’t  _ matter  _ if they’ve got feelings for each other. Steve’s just going to fuck things up. That’s kind of what their new normal is now actually. They just... they’re not on the same page the way they used to be. There’s too much history between them and that was  _ before  _ they slept together. And of course there’s the  _ slight  _ issue that Steve got scared and ran away from Tony... that certainly hasn’t helped their relationship.

Steve swallows harshly, gaze lowering to the floor as he murmurs, “I get that I’m an asshole for ignoring your call. I shouldn’t have done that. And you don’t have any reason to talk to me. But I’d like it if you could come down here and talk? Please?”

The please is playing dirty because he knows, he  _ knows  _ Tony has a hard time saying no to him. Always has. Steve’s kicking himself for the cheap shot when Tony says, voice tight with anger and hurt, “You’re damn right I shouldn’t. But I’m going to anyways because I want to know what the hell were you thinking when you kissed me.”

“I wasn’t,” Steve blurts out, eyes burning. Rubbing his knuckles against them does nothing to alleviate the sting. “I just... I wanted to kiss you.” 

_ I had ten years of latent desire and pining buried in me and it all came out that night. I don’t even know why it was then and not before but it happened _ , Steve wants to say but the words just tangled up in his chest like a thorny vine wrapping around an overgrown bush. They latch onto his heart and sink their teeth in, making him bleed into his lungs.

Steve bites his bottom lip hard enough to break the skin when Tony’s humorless laugh comes through the speakers. “You “just” wanted to kiss me? What was I? Your queer experiment or something?”

“No. Never,” Steve whispers because he recognizes the anger in Tony’s voice is partially turned inward as well. You learn somethings about someone over a decade, especially when you’re best friends. “You could never be that.”

“Then  _ why _ ?” Tony asks with an incredulously, slightly wild laugh. “You’re not going to tell me it was deliberate? That you’ve got feelings for me.”

Something warm and heavy comes to rest on his shoulder. Steve looks up; Thor’s giving him a soft smile. The god whispers, “Tell him how you feel Steve. The only way forward for you is by accepting who you are and sharing that with Anthony.”

It sounds so easy the way Thor’s saying it but it feels like the scariest thing in the world to Steve in the moment. He’s grateful for the fact that Thor stays next to him, his hand tightening when Steve swallows roughly, readies himself for the world to flip upside down, and admits, “Yes.”

Silence deafens him; it seems he’s made Tony speechless.

_ Is this good or bad?  _ Steve tries to ask Thor through a searching look. Thor makes a ‘go on’ gesture with his metal arm, smiling encouragingly when Steve swallows, and against his better judgement, goes on to say. “I’m not going to lie and say that... that I knew what I was doing in the moment. I really wanted to kiss you at the time and. And back then, I didn’t understand why I wanted to do it. But I do now. And that’s because I’ve got feelings about you. I’ve had them for ages I just... I never let myself see them.”

He feels increasingly like a bumbling pre-teen with every word that comes out of his mouth. Steve’s never been a smooth talker but he’s never been this... this...  _ awkward  _ before either. ( _ Tony’s always inspired all kinds of new firsts _ , Steve thinks wryly.) There’s no way Tony’s going to be endeared by this. There’s no damn way. Steve’s ready to chalk this whole thing up as a complete failure when Tony’s quiet, “Ages?” interrupts his increasingly morose thoughts.

“Sorry?” Steve asks, choking on his own spit for some fucking reason because hey why not? He’s already looking like a complete fool in front of Tony. Why  _ won’t  _ his body turn traitor too? (His good sense already in the lead in that race). Coughing, Steve asks again, “What’d you say?”

“You said... You’ve had feelings for me for  _ ages _ ?” The hesitation from before changes into something edging on incredulous. But the breathlessness is still there. 

Steve’s throat clicks as he admits, “Yeah.”

“But... what about Sharon? Bernie?” Tony’s confusion bleeds through. “Have you been pining over me the whole time you’ve been with-”

“Kinda. Yes. No. I don’t know,” Steve admits defeat, one hand coming up to scrub the back of his neck. “My ass was pretty deep in denial about how I felt.”

There’s another pause and Steve wants to crawl out of his damn skin. He really wishes he’d had this whole conversation in person because it’s so hard to tell what Tony’s thinking when you can’t see him. Sure the man’s got a fantastic poker face when he needs it but when it’s just them... Tony’s like an open book. And he’d love every clue he can get about Tony’s state of mind right now (and if he’s got  _ any  _ shot at recovering his friendship). 

“And how  _ do  _ you feel about me? Because I thought... I thought you couldn’t stand to look at me.”

This time, his heart aches for Tony’s sake. The way his voice shakes, the hurt that bleeds through. Steve wants to kick himself for ever giving that impression (even if it was kind of warranted at the time). He shakes his head, forgetting that Tony can’t see him. “I’ll admit there’s been times you pissed me off enough to make me want to strangle you but. I always got more upset when it was you because of how I feel. And that’s... that’s...”

Steve’s courage falters for a moment, uncertain if he can do it. But then he takes a deep breath and says, “I love you. I’ve always loved you, even when we fought. I’ve admired you since the moment I met you. Ever since I got to know you, I wanted to do things for you. If I could things easier for you, I would. I just... I just wanted to be kind to you.”

He hangs his head in shame, voice going low and shaky as he continues, “But I’ve screwed that up so many times. I’ve hurt you more than I’ve been nice to you. It doesn’t matter how I feel when I’ve turned my back on you so many times.”

A sob sinks its claws into his throat and chokes him. Steve hides his eyes behind his hand, too aware of hot his phone feels against ear and how weak he feels. One of his biggest fears, one he’s never vocalized, is how deeply he’s afraid of letting Tony down. Sure Tony’s one of the few people who call him out on his bullshit and has always seen Steve as Steve first, Captain America second. But... he’s also one of the few people Steve can’t bear to disappoint. Knowing that he hasn’t lived up to Tony’s expectations? Or that Tony feels let down by something he’s said or done? Steve can’t bear the thought of it. 

And he’s let Tony down over and over again but Tony’s never called him out on that. Tony’s always smiled and held the hand of friendship back out again. He’s the one who apologizes, who starts the healing process. But this time... this time he hadn’t. He’d just let the bridges between them burn because Steve’s done it. He’s finally used up his last chance with Tony.

Struggling not to vocalize the sob, Steve says, “I’ll understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore. If you want me to stay away then... then I will. We’ll-”

“Have I ever told you,” Tony interrupts, voice tender and soft. It’s the unexpected tone that grinds Steve’s apology to an abrupt halt, “that meeting you was the greatest day of my life?”

Something new, unnamed, and far too big for him to contain, floods Steve’s heart. He blinks a few times before answers, “No. You never did.” 

There’s a soft creak from Tony’s side of the conversation. “It was. You made my life better in a way no one else did, even before I met you. But after...you were like my north star. Keeping me on the right path. Inspiring me to always be better. God knows it was hard trying to live up to your yardstick but I’ll always take that over the alternative. If you want to talk about hurting each other then I’ve hurt you just as many times if not more. And I don’t want to keep track of that. That’s not the way forward.”

“What  _ is  _ the way forward?” Steve asks a touch meekly. He’s surprised to feel a gentle pat on his shoulder. He looks up just in time to catch Thor’s smile before he moves to a table in the corner, asking the bartender for another beer. 

Tony’s quiet voice is filled with a tentative hope that reminds Steve of blushing maidens and half-bloomed pink roses. It’s so  _ tender  _ it makes his heart ache. “It depends on what you want.”

What does he want? Well, that’s easy.

“I want you in my life. Any way you’ll have me.”

He holds his breath in anticipation, heart racing so wildly Steve’s shocked he doesn’t pass out. He’s very literally on the edge of his seat (barstool but whatever) as he waits for Tony’s answer.

“What if I want you for lover?” Tony inquires. “A partner?”

_ Fuck _ . That punches a breathless laugh out of him. That would be... beyond his wildest hopes at this point. “I’d say yes. Of course!  _ Fuck _ ! Really Tony? Is that what you want?”

Tony laughs on his side, also breathless and undeniably happy. “Steve, I’ve wanted that for ages.”

Steve almost slides off his seat in surprise. “ _ What _ ?”

“You never realized?” Tony asks with great curiosity. “I thought my feelings were pretty clear. I’ve had too many people make jokes about it.”

After doing a decent impersonation of a fish out of water, Steve demands, with a touch of whininess, “How come I never hear ‘em?”

“You’ve been in denial about your feelings for literally ten years Steve. Why would you think you’d see my pining?” 

That’s a fair point but also... “Pining?” he can’t help but ask hopefully.

Tony’s rich chuckles pour into him and warm him down his toes, which curl happily in his boots. “I’ll tell you about it later. Do you still want me to come see you?”

“Yeah.” Suddenly that’s  _ all  _ Steve wants. "I’ve missed you.”

Admissions are just pouring out of him today, aren’t they? Speaking of which, he turns in his seat and shoots Thor a grin and a triumphant thumbs up. The god raises his beer mug in return and declares, “A round of drinks for every patron, barkeep! I wish to celebrate my brothers’ happiness!”

As several people cheer, Tony laughs. “I’ve missed you too, Shellhead. See you in ten.”


End file.
